standing still

Let me tell you about memories, and time, she said, because I know some things about them.

At first, all you can see is the bad. You remember so vividly that all you can do is hate. You can’t remember one good thing, one beautiful moment, nothing but the bad things. Then as time goes by, the bad fades away and all that’s left is the good. Things you forgot come flooding back and things you remembered fade away. You are left with everything perfect and wonderful and you try as hard as you can, but you can’t pinpoint any of the bad things. And that’s why you miss him so much.

You’re right, he says.

I know, I told you I know some things about time, and memories, she said.

And he said, You’ll know about time when your sixty.

And she said, I went through a lot of memories in a little time. I’ve slowed down so much, now more time goes by with much less memories. And lately none at all, I feel like I’m... and she stops.

You’re what? he says.

I finished it with a song, and it was a little too Reality Bites to say out loud, she said, thinking of Jewel.

And he laughed, but she didn’t think he understood. You know the song? she said.

And he said No, I was just thinking about you singing.

coffee

Everywhere I went today, someone asked me what was wrong. Truth is, I don’t know. Nothing really, everything. You’re not yourself, she said. How’s that possible? Myself, whoever that is, is impossible to escape. It was just one of those days. A frozen-mocha- with-so-much- whipped-cream- you-have-to- take-the-top- to-go day. The coffee shop girl always knows what kind of day it is before I do. Hope this helps, she said. And it did.

photos

I’ve been taking a lot of photographs. I don’t mean anything by it, I just see and picture and have to take it. Sometimes the moment is so real, so alive that the picture doesn’t begin to express it. But sometimes, the picture makes the moment more alive, more true, more beautiful.

web stats

I got a little bit of a shocker a few days ago when something made me realize how un-anonymous the web actually is. See, I write online exactly as I do in my little leather-bound journal, at home, usually in pajamas late at night and it feels so private...

Then I discovered something called web statistics, and saw that sometimes in a day 500 people visit this site, probably by accident, but that half came referred from a site that had my personal information on it. And that’s just creepy.

I’ve always been a private person and seeing my name, address and phone number displayed without me even knowing made me feel not good at all, foolish and vulnerable and a little like looking over my shoulder all the time. I guess it’s not much people by web standards, but it’s a lot more people than I let come over and read my diary! I don’t mind people contacting me, and that’s why my email address is listed, but I do like to feel anonymous.

So, I thought about whether to keep this site, or start a new one, or none at all and I decided to keep it. I like writing it and recording little snippets of life, that’s why I do it, and that’s why I’ll keep doing it. And I’ll just hope no creeps or weirdos are reading...

So, since I’m going forward with it, I’ve gone ahead and put last week’s post up today.

drugs

I was wrong. It is starting to show on the outside. I know this because my sister asked me if I was using drugs. She said I was acting different and that my eyes were red. So, I told her about my walk, my skirt, my finally not caring what other people think and living each day. I told her about being a vegetarian and writing in my journal and volunteering at the animal shelter. About discovering I actually have will power. And she asked wasn’t I trying to do too much at once. Should I focus my will power on one thing at a time? And I told her that I need to do whatever I can whenever I can, which is now. And the redness, that’s from staying up too late typing on the computer.

eat what?

I got out of my car this morning and the lady next to me got out of hers. She made this horrible face. ewwh, you like that? she said. And I tried to figure out what the hell she was talking about. I thought of this horrible rotten stench that sometimes presents itself, but that’s in the afternoon after the leftover shrimp and catfish has baked in the heat for hours. This morning there was nothing in the air.

Then she said ewwh, you eat that? And I looked down at my bottled water, she can’t be talking to me. She can’t think water is that gross. But no one else was anywhere around and she was standing a foot away from me looking directly at me. Then, she must be crazy. But I don’t like to be rude, so I smiled and nodded anyway.

Again, ewwh, you eat that? louder this time. Are you talking to me? I had to ask. What? she said. Are you talking to me? And she removed this miniscopular earpiece and said what again. No honey, I’m talking to my mom. And what, mom? she said shoving the speaker back in.

when

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.—Henry David Thoreau

The past month has felt like a lifetime. It’s been a journey for me, one I knew I needed for a long time, but couldn’t figure out where to start. And I am a completely changed person for it. No, I guess you wouldn’t be able to tell from looking at me, but I feel it.

I knew I needed to change something, but I didn’t know what. I knew I didn’t feel alive, I felt like I was waiting for something. Waiting for things to change, so I could be happy. I knew I was overwhelmed, not by anything in particular, but by a lot of little things added up. I felt buried.

I looked for answers. I went to church, I even got suckered into using my home for church meetings. I wound up with a few christian cd’s to listen to in my car (which did help renew my spirit), but that wasn’t the answer. I bought books. Clear up the clutter. Find time for yourself. Organize your life. Change your mood through the colors you paint the walls. Feng Shui for beginners. I don’t remember all the titles, but that’s what they were about. I wound up with a few trunkloads of stuff for goodwill and a organized bathroom, but they didn’t change my life.

One part came close. I brought one of the books and a journal with me to the hospital where I was sitting with my grandma for the day, and the book told me I needed a life’s mission. Which is true. I tried to think of what I’d want people to say about me when I’m dead. She was a good secretary. She had good grades in school. She had some trouble, but finally learned how to keep a clean house. She had a nice sofa. (which I don’t and it bothered me for a while.) No. So I thought about what I did want people to remember and wrote it down. Then I was supposed to make a list of the steps to take to get there, but instead I made a list of specific things I wanted for my life. Then I left the hospital, put the book and the journal in my glove compartment, and there they lived. I felt like I had accomplished something small, but then I forgot about it and when on with life.

And for a while I gave up. I thought about all of the aspirations I had when I was younger and how I hadn’t done anything I had wanted to do. I thought about how much I hated my job and how unhappy I was with my life. I thought about everything I had been working so hard for and how it meant crap to me. I thought about what I had wasted time on and spent money on and it just depressed me more. And I felt old and ugly and useless and unhappy.

And I drowned in it for a little while, on the inside. On the outside you probably wouldn’t have noticed a change, except maybe that I didn’t bother putting on makeup or washing my hair. And I was a little meaner than usual and hated a lot of things. I hated this city, I wrote in my journal how ugly everything looked. I hated my house, I hated my pets, I hated my job most of all, and I didn’t see it changing. I felt tied to the choices I had made. Tied to bills and pets and salaries.

And then I found out my job was being eliminated. I was crushed, worried, angry. But also relieved and actually estatic. I felt happy. I felt free. I knew there was a lot of things I needed to do, but also knew that whether I did them or not, in a month I would never have to walk into that office that I hated so much again. But I did do them. I updated my resume, I met with counselors, I figured out what I was good at and what were my qualities that made me special and unique. I wrote them down. And I read them over and over. And I believed them. And I started to get a little confidence. I started to feel like I deserved better. I deserved to be happy, to feel complete. To enjoy my life, to live my dreams, that it wasn’t too late.

And I got call backs and job offers. And I got a lovely job. An office job, yes, but one that I like and can feel good coming to. A fresh start. And that was the first thing I had written in my things-to-do-to-change-my-life list: get a new job. I took out the list and I started to figure out that I could do the other things too. That they weren’t abstract and things to aspire to, but things that I need right now. Because if not now, when? I saw that on a t-shirt on television and I wrote it down. And I thought about it forever. Because now is all that I have. And I answered for myself, and the answer was never. If not now, then never. And somehow I figured out how to feel alive, and that was to start living. Or maybe I started living and that’s when I figured out how to feel alive. I don’t know. But all of the things I thought I couldn’t do and I thought I would try to do when I got my life back on track, I’ve just started to do.

So, you might not notice the change, but it’s there. It’s in the core of my being. It’s in the way I see things, including myself. I don’t hate who I am, I don’t feel lost in myself anymore. I feel like me. I might still have moments, but it’s not my life anymore. And that’s why I say I’m a completely different person. Because the old me couldn’t do the things I’ve been doing. She couldn’t do them because she was afraid to try.