it's really not hard at all to be a loser

shit. it's been almost a year and i have done actually nothing.

5.18.2005
ok here's my plan
graduate saturday. get a freelance/volunteer part-time job after work and between class asap, preferably doing something fun/cool either writing or doing editorial assistant type stuff. take photography class during the summer. take pictures of the animals at the spca. make some websites for people. take mla classes during the fall, spring, summer, fall and spring. visit california, mexico and london. find a job writing/editing something. graduate again. move, maybe. have a baby or two.
posted by ecstasia at 23:21 0 comments

At least i am the only one watching.

fatal attraction

i have never really watched saturday night live. i mean never sat down and watched most of even one episode. it comes up so much, people are constantly compared to -you know that skit with so-and-so on snl? (i don't even know there names) and i have to say no. but, i kind of like that about me.

i'm amazed also at the amount of movies i've never seen. it's enormous, much more than most people my age. one i'm dying to see --and can you believe it's not at the video store (the two blockbusters left in the city after katrina) or at target-- is fatal attraction. i started it in a hotel room about a year ago and fell asleep.

she is cute... but a little desperate

am i going to be lisa loeb in a few years? ruling out potential dates because he don't want kids right now? the scenes from the next show her at a fertility center. i'm scared it will come to that.

i had a dream the other day that i was in labor, my water even broke. i have babies on the brain. what is happening to me. the thing is, my whole life i've felt like i didn't want things like that-- marriage, kids, a house-- but even while i am logically thinking that there is this side of me practically longing for it. it sucks being a woman, although i have a suspicion it has less to do with hormones and more to do with the horrible town i was raised in. small without the charms that usually accompany small. corrupt, poor, racist, and booze/drugs-laden. i really hate that city. (but i'm still sorry katrina wiped it off the map... a lot of people loved it) but there, that's the only thing girls were good for. and to get anywhere, even to drive at night, (i swear i grew up seriously living this), you needed a man to protect you. when i moved out of my own, and started living my way, that was one of the most overwhelming and satifying moment of my life.

anyway, i already have the glasses...

moving

I am moving to Boston, if all goes well. and if not, i'm moving somewhere. I have 30 days to move out of my apartment and into his, and in another 60 we'll make the big move...

i've learned some things about stuff since the hurricane, and what I learned is that I don't need it. it does not suit me, the minimalist life does. packing and moving out of my apartment is weird because i haven't actually lived there in five, six?, months. all the stuff that i used to love so much, stuff that survived the last big move and clear out when i made the first big change last year, isn't going to survive this. it's hard to let go of things, and the only way i am getting through it is because i've already let go in my head. i figured everything was lost in the storm and i came to peace with it. i've already taken most of my pictures, and consolidated from about 3000 to about 500. what's left, i can actually enjoy. i've even scanned and cd'd the most precious ones.

I packed up my bedroom last night, it went like this... one big box and one little box that's coming with me, twelve boxes to get rid of. what little furniture i have is getting delivered to my parent's house, since they lost all of their's in the hurricane. you know, life is never what i expect. i hope it stays this way, i'm getting used to happiness.

everything

i feel overwhelmed. not by anything in particular, just sort of sick of everything. I don't know how to fix it. I'm at the turning point, I know it could get better, could just be a funk, but could also downwardly spiral into a pms type of week. (minus the pms, thank god.) a good book would help, but the one i picked up at the airport turned out to be so, so bad. almost getting there, so close to being emotional and riveting, but never actually doing anything. and trying much too hard with the sex stuff.

post traumatic stress

he called, but i couldn’t hear him very well. little voices overwhelming from the background. i wonder what life is going to be like. i am scared. i feel like i can barely go along with life. i’m so used to being SAFE, even though I moved out of safe over a year ago. why am i stressing now when before I was ok?

i went to my apartment the other day to assess the situation and get a few pictures. it felt like visiting someone after you haven’t seen them in forever. someone very familiar but changed so that that comfortable knowing is now slightly awkward. an exboyfriend maybe.

it was scary. not the feeling, i still love that apartment so much, it’s still a safehaven for my beloved stuff. most of which i will throw away instead of move. i haven't used it in over six months. even the few times i went to pick up things, i was at a loss as to exactly what i thought i needed. it needs to be thrown away. But the neighbors, the house, the street. all that was scary.

yesterday, i felt like i should drive the two hours to stay with my mom, but just really felt like alone time. i went to the groceries at walgreens to avoid a crowd and long drive, then home. as i was walking up the steps to the building, i felt at peace. i couldn’t wait to walk into our little apartment and lock the door behind me. this is my safehaven, i actually thought in my head. funny i used the word safehaven again tonight.

i took a questionairre at work, it says i have post-traumatic stress disorder. at least now i can blame the hurricane for being fucked in the head.

goodbye austin

Compromise: temporary move is off forever, permanent move is off for six months. I gave my notice at work for the end of April. I am so excited! I hate exclamation points, especially when people put more than one.