nothing

the kids are leaving tomorrow. i want to keep them. they want to stay, even though a second christmas is waiting at home. i think that says a lot.

we sat on the sofa bed and watched willow (again) last night. before the youngest fell asleep he put his arm around me. i can't even tell you how that feels. these kids don't have to like me. from what they hear at home, i don't see how they can. so when they do things, little things, like that it really touches me. this morning i was sitting on the sofa next to their dad and the oldest asked me to come play legos with him. me! this house will be different when they leave.





we went to the beach the other day and rock climbed. we went candlepin bowling. we've baked cookies and cupcakes and muffins. we played in the snow (snow!) (even though it was 33F outside so it was more like rain). we made paintings for their dad for christmas (above, i was impressed!), that was fun. we watched a lot of kid movies. we spent a whole day (8 hours) at the mall and shopped for toys and clothes.

the youngest loved shopping, but the oldest hated it. we bought a lot of new clothes for them. their clothes are always stained or torn or falling off. it's strange how nothing fits -- even the shoes they wear everyday are two sizes big and falling apart. we buy new shoes, but next time they're still wearing the old ones. the oldest doesn't really care, but the youngest loves his new pants and belts and shoes and sponge bob underwear. the oldest said all my clothes are too big, i don't think me mom knows what size i wear. his dad says she likes to buy things big so they last longer. i understand this in theory, but when you're buying a pair of shoes for a five year old from walmart, the shoes will be worn out before the child's feet grow two sizes. i keep swapping out the old clothes for new ones and now it's paying off because this trip some of the new clothes came back in the suitcase. i let them pick everything out, and they are so cute with their different styles.

yesterday, their grandparents came over and everybody helped me clean up before they came. it didn't take long and the apartment looked so nice (even though its trashed again already). i really am lucky. i love this place, i love this city, i love these kids, and i love their father so much. but i miss my family so much i could cry at any second. and i have been. starting on christmas day and ending yesterday morning. i think it was pms, or ms, combined with christmas disappointment, plus not seeing my family for months, plus money trouble (doesn't it always come at the holiday?), plus exhaustion. i'm glad its gone. i woke up this morning to a good dream and little voices and a perfect cup of coffee, and even with all the things to still worry about, i guess that's not a bad way to start a new year.

new year's resolutions

• make art
• learn more about the things that interest me
• exercise
• spend money on myself as freely as i spend it on others
• decorate
• experience this place i live
• study for and take the gre's
• read all of the books on my wishlist
• develop a style and enjoy it
• cook (and here i'm not counting lean cuisines)
  

kids, the aftermath

i haven't made a collage a day. i haven't even taken a picture a day. i haven't posted in over 10 days. every spare second i have i spend collapsing. into. bed. but there haven't been many.

this has been an eye-opening week for me. kids. are. work. it's been sweet and tiring and getting up early and doing some fun stuff but doing a lot of fussing and constant sword-swinging sofa-jumping wrestling video-game scooby-doo and pirate action. constant. and did i say getting up early? and not seeing my boyfriend and not having any time to myself and my beautiful apartment always covered in filth no matter how much time i spend cleaning and backtalking and don't touch me and being a servant. really.

the oldest kid made that comment a few minutes ago: you're like a servant. and it's so true. i'm just trying to get them to say may i please have a glass of milk instead of screeching in a linda blair voice get me my milk. it's been a long, hard process and for every step forward there's two i said i want my milk's. but what are you going to do, refuse a kid his milk? they are adorable kids though, i have to say. really beautiful kids. i frequently look at them, his youngest especially since he still has that baby look, and have to smile and say you know those kids are really beautiful. i know looks don't matter, but god, those kids are adorable. and it does help when they are screaming didn't you hear me say i'm thirsty! that they look like little angels.

i just keep thinking that if we get married and if he gets custody this will be my life. this. will. be. my. life. hmmm... it's been easier and harder than i expected. easier in the adjustments. i've been alone with the kids for 8 hour days for 2 weeks and nothing is broken and everybody is safe. i'm actually good at this taking care of kids. we've had smiles and fun and christmas songs and baking cookies and the whole nine yards. they don't want to go home. they haven't cried for their dad or their mom. they actually haven't really mentioned their mom at all. they never even want to talk to her when she calls on the phone. it's been way harder in the amount of sheer energy required.

christmas is over and i'm not even going to say anything other than i knew i was expecting way too much out of christmas. and i should have taken pamprin much earlier in the day. and next year i want presents. wrapped under the tree. at least one. and something in my stocking.

so, on to new years resolution list for 2007. but first, today, for the first time in my life, i made a comment that i hadn't done something in 20 years. and it was true. the thing i was referring to was watching the flight of the navigator, but that is neither here nor there. 20 years ago i was old enough to remember doing something. that is scary. so, i've been making contributions afecting the kids childhood, namely watching my old favorite movies from the 80s. i, thank you, introduced them to such greats as legend, labyrinth, willow, teenage mutant ninga turtles (ok, that was 90s, right?) and the neverending story (did you know there's like 10 sequels to that?).

anyway, new years.
- make friends.
- stop being a hermit, aka leave the house once in a while.
- picture a day.
- collage a day.
- higher ed. or a class at the mfa.

my sister says its too late to make friends. that we are too old now, all of the friend-making years are past. i almost believe it, it's been 10 years since i've made any new friends. but, i've always attributed that to not liking people anymore. in any case, i am going to try if i can figure out how. i know step 2 is a starting point, since i can't exactly expect strangers wanting to be my friends to come knocking on the door. i think the other resolutions will help also, since they involve connecting with people with like interests.

the kids are coming...

not, that's not a metaphor for anything, i am going to pick them up from the airport in a few hours. this means that:

• for the next 2o days or so, i will live exhausted.
• i will also not have much sex at all.
• my house will not be clean for even one second, even though i will spend half my time picking up after the kids.
• the other half will be spent cutting up apples.

this also means that:

• for the next 20 days or so, i will be doing fun things constantly to entertain them.
• i will get to play.
• i will get to talk to children, which is one of the best things in the world.
• i will have more food in the house in one week than the last three months put together.
• it will feel like a family.
• christmas morning will be wonderful.

toilet paper.

today's collage proved that yesterday was a fluke. yesterday, i picked up the magazine and everything just came together. today, i couldn't find an order to the things i ripped out so i eventually just glued it all down. but wishy-washy, changing as i went. oh well. i'll scan it after it dries. i think using such small (4x6) paper is good, otherwise i'd be ripping things out for hours. art is about editing too, right? knowing what to leave out?


(collage elements from vogue august 2006)

today will be the first day this weekend that i leave the house. what is wrong with me? i have to do all the stuff i wanted to do all weekend into one day - and it's noon already. i have to go the the groceries, not because we have absolutely no food (literally, i ate two cans of tuna, frozen brussel sprouts and ice cream this weekend, the very last edible things in the house) but because we now have absolutely no toilet paper.

a Targé christmas

in the extreme tree frustration, i almost forgot to upload these pictures of my adorable apartment decorations - all from target. this apartment, along with the one in new orleans that i miss incredibly, mark the first time i care enough about my place to invest time and money making it the way i like. i'm developing a style. it reminds me of my first "date" with jack. he asked what style of home furnishings i like, because he thought that was one of the of the differences that could make living with someone impossible. decorating styles must be compatible. i said that i was pretty easygoing on the subject. truth was i had no idea what i liked. this is it. and thank god our evolving styles are compatible.

some thing i can do...

life paused.

i want a new camera. a real fancy kind. and then i'm going to sign up for a photography class. i've always wanted to do it. but for now, my goal is to develop new habits. i'm going to try to take one sharing-worthy photo a day. i figure i can wake up in the morning and go out and explore. it'll be a reason to get dressed at least. then photoshop and everything before posting.

she's inspired me. i'm also going to start collaging, at least one a day. i'm going to get some blank cards or paper to do it on.

this will help.

update:
so, i did my collage for today:


(collage elements from domino december/january 2007)

i didn't have gesso or a notebook but i knew if i didn't start at once, i just wouldn't. i gathered what i did have into a shoebox: elmer's glue, some markers, scissors and 4x6 photo paper. and i grabbed the first magazine off of the stack. i had a feeling i wanted to express - something about fighting to remain yourself and be true to your goals and dreams through (even a good) relationship - and the words and images just jumped out at me. i finished in less than 10 minutes. it buckled trememdously, so i just stuck the finished piece in between two big books after it dried. just now, i took it (perfectly flat) and pasted the date and today's journal entry onto the back. it scanned weirdly, but i kind of like the effect, the magazine photos look more like computer art.

this reminded me of my first try two years ago. why is it that i turn to art to make me ok when i am alone or things are bad, and as soon as things are ok i give up on it?