confessions

Today, I did something that I’ve been saying I would do for at least two years, and never doing, and always feeling like shit about not doing.

Nevermind that I’m tired, cranky, school started, and I would have preferred taking a nice long bath instead. I went for a long walk. I didn’t worry about the getting dark and maybe getting raped, robbed, killed. I didn’t worry about the heat being 90 plus (feels like it anyway).

And I felt free. And I enjoyed the feel of my muscles working. And breathing hard and fast. And being outside for a change. And feeling that I was doing something good for myself. And not having to feel like shit anymore about saying and never doing.

Confession. I wrote the beginning of this entry this morning before work.

And on the way home I kept reminding myself to stick to it. But, I was starving so I made a lttle bit to eat first. Then I sat a while with the cats and dog. Then I got into my running shorts but couldn’t find my tennis shoes. Anywhere. I looked and looked. So, I couldn’t go. And I was upset, so I got under the covers feeling like shit. i turned on the television and laid there for twenty minutes.

Then I thought, dammit, I will walk today. So, I put on an old pair of fake tennis, the kind that’s for looks only and I walked in those. Now, I know it’s just a walk and nothing special, but it was really more than that to me.

And while I was walking I noticed a few things. The way the moon looked tonight as though through a fogged up window and the crisp black sillouhette of the cypress trees in contrast. The chirping sounds ducks can make when there huddle together. Lower than quacks, sounding like nighttime crickets. The way the air in New Orleans summer feels more like water. Only damp not quite wet, your arms and legs cutting through thickness as you move. The air like you are breathing something tangible, something tasting like wet grass, newly cut.

And I’m learning that I can do the things that I want to do. That I have will power and determination. I’m learning that visualizing something clearly and writing it down helps you make it real, makes it true. Would I have gotten out of bed this evening if I hadn’t written anything this morning. Perhaps, but I don’t think so.

And now, I’m going to have that nice long bath before I go back to bed for good.

(Unrelated note: I tried to send an email today and I got a lecture from my computer. It called itself a mood warning. It asked me if I really wanted to send something that should get keyboard washed out with soap. This is too much for me.)