30 December 2004


What a Christmas. I wouldn't expect anything normal from this year, and of course I didn't get it. More snow than I've ever seen in my life. And only the second time in my life that I've ever had actual snow falling on my front lawn, and the first time ever on Christmas day.

We brought the baby out to make snowmen, tiny ones, but snowmen still. We ran around like crazy. We crunched the snow under our boots. We wore scarves and gloves and hats out of need for once not fashion. After dark, we walked to the little park and sat on the swings. We walked hearts in the fresh snow and stamped out initials. We were in love with the snow and the night and Christmas. What a magical holiday. And the start to a perfect week.

A week later we were back to short-sleeved t-shirts, and of course a week before. What a bizarre city to live in.

21 December 2004


I've probably always measure my years in semesters, one of the side effects from dragging out my education for such an exhaustingly long time. Since it's impossible to even pretend the summer's not over, once again I've been looking at where the time went. I've failed misreably with my to do list and still feel good, because the things that I thought would content me several months ago couldn't begin to compare what I've actually accomplished. Subtly accomplished, mind you, so far in quiet preparation, but the accomplishment is there all the same.

Things to do have come and gone and changed and grown, as they must, but more dramatically than normal it seems. But this isn't normal, it's supernatural. My new favorite word from Rae Jillian, my until now best-kept secret treasure. Drastic and dramatic seems necessary.

11 December 2004


If all is what it seems, things seem to be coming along quite nicely. Better than I could have planned if I had tried to. Leading me to believe, once again, that I am living some kind of charmed and lucky life. Seems as soon as I decide to do something, and to be true to myself, everything starts falling into place. It's probably more actually because to get anything in this life (and I don't mean material possessions here), you need to put something out there. Need to take a risk. I'm incredibly excited about it all.

I had lovely conversation last night in a magical place with a very interesting girl, that I almost cancelled. That I did cancel, but decided at the last minute to reconsider. I really needed to just talk about everything (almost) with someone objective. Someone who understands but isn't involved. Someone I can relate to, who's been through it already (on a different path or course) and is willing to give advice. Someone who couldn't be my friends or family. They just wouldn't understand. They may not be capable of understanding.

And I felt it happening but realized it suddenly, I really don't care what people think anymore. I'm becoming comfortable with the fact that I can do whatever I want with my life and that that means focusing on myself and making me happy and that that's really the most important thing I can do. (It just didn't feel important ten months ago.)

I learned some things, and capturing the things I find true may be the point of this maybe from now on. See, I don't want to say I did this and I did this today and I did this. Who cares? And I can't really write trivial depressed little stories when I am no longer sad. But I can, and I need to, remember some of the things I'm learning, for nothing other than so I can grow and change and know why.

So, this is it for now:

It feels like the possibilities are endless because they are. (I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a promise, with a capital P, I am a great big bundle of potentiality. Sorry, reminded myself of a song I sang with a ridiculously big blue bow stuck on the side of my head in a talent show in third grade.)

You have nothing to offer anyone except your self. Unless you know your self, you have nothing.

Going places isn't the answer. Finding and belonging to a community that accepts, validates, and challenges you once you get there is. (I know exactly what this is: espirit de corps, the common spirit existing in the members of a group and inspiring enthusiasm, devotion and strong regard for the honor of the group. I found the word in Webster's a few months ago and saved it, now it makes so much sense.)

Rejection is okay. It is character-building.

Doing something for yourself by yourself feels wonderful. Even if it is getting a Christmas tree. It's the small things that add up to a bigger overall sense of accomplishment.

At the end of life, you die alone. No one else has to be comfortable with the choices you've made.

Self-confidence and inner happiness are more attractive than beauty or intelligence.

08 December 2004


I'm here to tell you that putting on Christmas tree lights is ridiculously easy.

I'm feeling extremely independent lately due to a variety of things, most recently the getting of the Christmas tree, alone, for the first time ever without dad, boyfriend, or husband. I knew I needed a Christmas tree after the incredibly depressing state of my house last holiday season with no tree and no decorations. I never want to do that again. But I was feeling hesitant to borrow the truck or ask for someone to go with me for lots of reasons that I won't go into right now.

So I pulled out the decorations to make the house pretty and realized that over half of them were tree-based. I went shopping around last night for more garland and stuff, but just couldn't find what I wanted. What I wanted was a nice tree to give my house the Christmas look and smell.

So I went to Home Depot, asked if there was any way I could get a tree home in a car, and would you know you can just tie them right on top? Then I asked as nicely as I could whether someone there could help me if I bought some rope, and would you know they do it for free and even supply the rope?

I didn't care which tree, (sort of imagining a really pathetic one a la Charlie Brown that I could be so proud of for my independence that I would think it beautiful anyway) but the first tree that I randomly picked wound up absolutely perfect when unbound. I couldn't have chosen a better-looking tree if I had opened every one and then decided. So much for pathetic, I think it was just my lucky day. The high school kid probably thought I was stupid, but who cares. I was so excited about getting the tree and on my own that they let me skip to the front of the line for checkout and trunk cutting.

And do you know it was so easy to get that 8-ft tree off the roof of the car and into my house. I did it while talking on the phone. Lights, piece of cake. Immaculately spaced the first try with not even one hole once I plugged them in. Ornaments and angel topper, piece of cake. It was actually the most fun I've had decorating a tree since I was little. The only thing I had to ask for help with was steadying it in the tree stand until I screwed it tightly in and dealing with the horribly huge weird bug that crawled out of the tree and across the living room floor.

I feel like such a big girl right now. And I just can't shake this feeling that it's going to be an incredibly good new year.

07 December 2004


Things to remember:
People aren't always what they seem.
Anything is possible.
You can survive on only a little food and water and someone to love.

Yesterday was lovely, and not just because of the presents. And I think it will be a very great year.

02 December 2004


It's funny that I thought how much more I'd post when I started using blogger, but I haven't even turned on the computer lately. Mostly because I've just been occupied by alternating between sorting through things, thinking them over, over-analyzing and worrying and then enough of that, deciding let's just not think, just feel, experience, let go and just be, live in the moment.

I can't quite decide which is the best way to be, can't quite figure out whether to try to get things under control or to just let go, to follow my mind or my heart you could say. And somehow it's more than enough to just be overwhelmed by it than to try to record or document anything at the moment. Thinking, and not, is fine, but writing everything would just solidify it too much, take the magical and make it make sense. I'm not looking for sense right now, I'm looking for magic. (Good thing, because I know this post is not making much sense anyway.)

I don't know what I feel, it changes from day to day (sometimes hour to hour), I don't know what I want to feel, I don't even know what I want. Maybe I do, just not ready to commit to it yet. Maybe an eggnog latte would do me some good right now.