31 August 2004

stupid

Today I feel wonderfully, gloriously sore. What started with a simple walk around the park turned into a weekend of walking, yoga, and—gasp—aerobics. Can you imagine me, previously the most under-active person ever, actually enjoying a weekend of moving? It felt so good to move. I always thought of where to find time to exercise, and instead just did it. Turned off the television and went outside. And you know, I feel better. I feel skinnier, tighter, straighter and taller already. All in my head I know, but that’s okay.

Oh, and guess what else I did this weekend. I bought a delicate, flowered cotton skirt, pink and brown and cream. With. Ruffles. Something made me try it on, and I fell in love. It was so feminine and lovely. But so unlike anything I would ever wear. So, I put it back and continued trying on sensible skirts and shirts. But there was nothing that I liked so much as that skirt. And I promised myself a while back that I wouldn’t buy anything that i didn’t completely adore, and I figured it should go both ways. That if I totally fell in love with something, wasn’t I obligated to bring it home? So I did.

And normally that skirt would hang in my closet and I would silently love it and try it on and always take it off before leaving the house and eventually give it away. But this time, I put that skirt on and twirled in front of the mirror and felt pretty. I didn’t worry about not having anything to match it, I just put on a tank top and sandals and left the house. I stopped myself from asking, do I look stupid? Because the truth is, no one cares what I’m wearing, and what’s the worse they can do anyway? Think that I look stupid? And what does that matter if I think I look pretty and if I feel pretty? So, all day I floated around in that skirt. The thin cotton was perfect for the hot summer day; the ruffles swirled around me as I walked. And when I entered a restaurant for lunch, a girl whispered to her friend, oh, look how cute her skirt is!

And I think of all the simple pleasure I missed from trying so hard to make sure no one notices me or what I’m wearing. And I will never again hesitate to wear something I love and feel good in for fear of what others might think.

1 comment:

Jeni Paij said...

I love your courage and insight. Thank you for sharing this victory. Sometimes taking a chance on "something small that makes us happy" is the first step to self-discovery and healing. - PA