breathe

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live
Evanescence's Away From Me

This is exactly how I felt about seven months ago. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it's true. It's not even failure, it's knowing you've willingly given up all of the dreams you had for your life, everything you thought you were or wanted to be. Like you are a stranger, or more like you have covered yourself up for so long you forgot what you look like. It happens slowly, but you get so buried you can't breathe anymore and everything seems impossible, like you will never get out. And the worse part is you know you did it voluntarily, you have no one to blame but yourself.

It's so nice to be able to breathe again...

disaster

Money is scary now. I know everything will eventually work out ok, soon really, but for now it's scary. For the first time in my life, I have bills that I don't know how to pay. My own stupid fault, for example, my cell phone bill this month is $450. How do you even talk that much? Why it never occurred to me that I was running up such a bill I don't know. I'm usually a pretty intelligent person. When I got the email yesterday, I needed chocolate. Literally. I had to go straight to the candy machine and buy a Hershey's bar with almonds. Did it help? For a minute, I guess, then the stress came right back. I'm trying to just not think about it, but I've never been this irresponsible and it's hard for me to accept.

And my husband cancelled our one credit card without telling me. Another first for me, having a credit card declined last week. Not having that in case of emergency plastic is scary. And then having a bank account overdrawn (by $600, how the hell does that happen?). So, all in all it's been a pretty bad week on the financial side. Not exactly the way I wanted to enter February, but what can you do? Just cross your fingers and look for a second job...

The good news is my impulse shopping addiction is officially over. I haven't bought anything in a month (ok, except this cd from Tower Records last week, but it was a present). Instead, I'll be adding like crazy to my wish list and posting things I want for later when I have money. Like the adorable tea cup below. I saw it when I was walking through the French Market Sunday. But it couldn't be justified, not even with my shopping logic.)