kids, the aftermath

i haven't made a collage a day. i haven't even taken a picture a day. i haven't posted in over 10 days. every spare second i have i spend collapsing. into. bed. but there haven't been many.

this has been an eye-opening week for me. kids. are. work. it's been sweet and tiring and getting up early and doing some fun stuff but doing a lot of fussing and constant sword-swinging sofa-jumping wrestling video-game scooby-doo and pirate action. constant. and did i say getting up early? and not seeing my boyfriend and not having any time to myself and my beautiful apartment always covered in filth no matter how much time i spend cleaning and backtalking and don't touch me and being a servant. really.

the oldest kid made that comment a few minutes ago: you're like a servant. and it's so true. i'm just trying to get them to say may i please have a glass of milk instead of screeching in a linda blair voice get me my milk. it's been a long, hard process and for every step forward there's two i said i want my milk's. but what are you going to do, refuse a kid his milk? they are adorable kids though, i have to say. really beautiful kids. i frequently look at them, his youngest especially since he still has that baby look, and have to smile and say you know those kids are really beautiful. i know looks don't matter, but god, those kids are adorable. and it does help when they are screaming didn't you hear me say i'm thirsty! that they look like little angels.

i just keep thinking that if we get married and if he gets custody this will be my life. this. will. be. my. life. hmmm... it's been easier and harder than i expected. easier in the adjustments. i've been alone with the kids for 8 hour days for 2 weeks and nothing is broken and everybody is safe. i'm actually good at this taking care of kids. we've had smiles and fun and christmas songs and baking cookies and the whole nine yards. they don't want to go home. they haven't cried for their dad or their mom. they actually haven't really mentioned their mom at all. they never even want to talk to her when she calls on the phone. it's been way harder in the amount of sheer energy required.

christmas is over and i'm not even going to say anything other than i knew i was expecting way too much out of christmas. and i should have taken pamprin much earlier in the day. and next year i want presents. wrapped under the tree. at least one. and something in my stocking.

so, on to new years resolution list for 2007. but first, today, for the first time in my life, i made a comment that i hadn't done something in 20 years. and it was true. the thing i was referring to was watching the flight of the navigator, but that is neither here nor there. 20 years ago i was old enough to remember doing something. that is scary. so, i've been making contributions afecting the kids childhood, namely watching my old favorite movies from the 80s. i, thank you, introduced them to such greats as legend, labyrinth, willow, teenage mutant ninga turtles (ok, that was 90s, right?) and the neverending story (did you know there's like 10 sequels to that?).

anyway, new years.
- make friends.
- stop being a hermit, aka leave the house once in a while.
- picture a day.
- collage a day.
- higher ed. or a class at the mfa.

my sister says its too late to make friends. that we are too old now, all of the friend-making years are past. i almost believe it, it's been 10 years since i've made any new friends. but, i've always attributed that to not liking people anymore. in any case, i am going to try if i can figure out how. i know step 2 is a starting point, since i can't exactly expect strangers wanting to be my friends to come knocking on the door. i think the other resolutions will help also, since they involve connecting with people with like interests.