11 December 2004


If all is what it seems, things seem to be coming along quite nicely. Better than I could have planned if I had tried to. Leading me to believe, once again, that I am living some kind of charmed and lucky life. Seems as soon as I decide to do something, and to be true to myself, everything starts falling into place. It's probably more actually because to get anything in this life (and I don't mean material possessions here), you need to put something out there. Need to take a risk. I'm incredibly excited about it all.

I had lovely conversation last night in a magical place with a very interesting girl, that I almost cancelled. That I did cancel, but decided at the last minute to reconsider. I really needed to just talk about everything (almost) with someone objective. Someone who understands but isn't involved. Someone I can relate to, who's been through it already (on a different path or course) and is willing to give advice. Someone who couldn't be my friends or family. They just wouldn't understand. They may not be capable of understanding.

And I felt it happening but realized it suddenly, I really don't care what people think anymore. I'm becoming comfortable with the fact that I can do whatever I want with my life and that that means focusing on myself and making me happy and that that's really the most important thing I can do. (It just didn't feel important ten months ago.)

I learned some things, and capturing the things I find true may be the point of this maybe from now on. See, I don't want to say I did this and I did this today and I did this. Who cares? And I can't really write trivial depressed little stories when I am no longer sad. But I can, and I need to, remember some of the things I'm learning, for nothing other than so I can grow and change and know why.

So, this is it for now:

It feels like the possibilities are endless because they are. (I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a promise, with a capital P, I am a great big bundle of potentiality. Sorry, reminded myself of a song I sang with a ridiculously big blue bow stuck on the side of my head in a talent show in third grade.)

You have nothing to offer anyone except your self. Unless you know your self, you have nothing.

Going places isn't the answer. Finding and belonging to a community that accepts, validates, and challenges you once you get there is. (I know exactly what this is: espirit de corps, the common spirit existing in the members of a group and inspiring enthusiasm, devotion and strong regard for the honor of the group. I found the word in Webster's a few months ago and saved it, now it makes so much sense.)

Rejection is okay. It is character-building.

Doing something for yourself by yourself feels wonderful. Even if it is getting a Christmas tree. It's the small things that add up to a bigger overall sense of accomplishment.

At the end of life, you die alone. No one else has to be comfortable with the choices you've made.

Self-confidence and inner happiness are more attractive than beauty or intelligence.

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