13 May 2005


ok, i am terrified of going to the lake. and it's friday the 13th. i had a nightmare last night about it, but i won't go into that... but someone wound up bound and gagged in the hot tub.

the last time i met anybody's parents was in 1998 and it was miserable. (and he wasn't already married, although i've told myself that i shouldn't worry about that.) see, i used to like people's families, a lot, but i got too attached that way, my ex-ex's mom and cousin, my ex-ex-ex-ex's grandparents and little sister. it's no fun. it's like when you break up you loose a family instead of just a boyfriend. i made a conscience effort with my ex not to care at all about his family (not that there was too much to worry about there). and it made it easier.

but here i am again feeling like what if they don't like me and what will i say and what will i wear, and i'd rather not, to be honest. i'd rather just be me and him and not worry about all that crap. and if i like them, what good will that do? and if they like me? just the potential of making things harder than they have one day. because we haven't even been "us" in front of the general public, much less around family members. how will this work? i am really freaking out.

speaking of ex-boyfriends, one of mine kept emailing for me to call him, it's urgent so today i did. he's supposed to be off of drugs, but he sounded loaded. he wants to go shopping. he is the best shopping partner, the only person i like shopping with better than going alone. he said where is my web site, one of the reasons i no longer have one. i hope he never finds this. i hope no one does. i have to be careful. but i like feeling like what i write will have no impact on my life in the real world. wouldn't his feelings be hurt, and i don't want that at all.

we talked about missing people. he said he misses his old friends so much he could cry. i know the feeling. i don't think everyone is like that. i think it's an emotional issue, it's probably why we two still talk even after so long. it doesn't mean anything, just that you still care enough to know that he's alive and not in too much trouble. he says he's going to san diego. and tiawana. it could be true, it could not be true, i never know. but i want to go to san diego. even for just two weeks. i'm jealous. i still want to get out of here, even though i like it much better than six months ago. there's still stuff for me here, but i think there's more stuff out there if i could only go and find it.

what do you think about studying astrophysics? i need to do something. i'm excited. and not. what do i want to be? do i know and am i just afraid to go after it? a writer, a wedding photographer, a website designer? why do i feel like everyone else can things but i can't? why do i feel so ill-prepared, like i faked my way here? i need to just do something. with no safety net. none whatsoever. but how can i, it's against every thing i've ever known or been taught. i'll think more about that tomorrow. time to eat now.

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