13 May 2005

not the best policy

i think i just realized what it is... it's the honesty. i took it too far. that's why i feel so vulnerable. honesty's great, but the baby theories took me over the edge. i've felt like this since tuesday, so exposed. like i need space. like he knows too much. like i can't breathe. i need some things to just be mine. i've feel like we've been "talking" too much. you can overanalyze things. you can say too much too fast. that might be why i got mad over the not getting married comment. because i haven't been holding anything back, so he shouldn't either. so he doesn't want to marry me, but he knows already how i feel about WANTING TO HAVE HIS BABIES. so i'm the crazy one now. i think i'm on the something. but what do i do from here? at the same time, i also think i'm obsessing again and need to let it go. but how to rein myself in this time? and we still have the thing that's really troubling me a lot -- meeting his parents and having to spend the weekend at their lake house. i'm screeching that it's too soon to meet his folks, but mad that we're not getting married and having kids right away... i'm out of control this time for real...

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