10 September 2005

no one is looking for me

i remember doing this after september 11. after the towers fell. looking through post after post. people missing their loved ones, wanting to know if anyone had seen or heard from them. desprately trying to connect. i wanted to feel something. wanted to make it real.

it's different this time. posts that just bring up questions. my high school boyfriend, his mom trying to find him. my date to the eighth grade dance, his wife wanting to know if anybody's seen him. my own grandma, her cousin wanting to know where she is. and dozen's more people i knew once upon a time. people i can see in my mind. names i have heard all of my life. missing mostly, or searching. haven't even started to think about all the people that were part of my everyday life, neighbors, co-workers, waiters at my favorite restaurants, people i'll likely never see again. maybe i'll never even know if they are alive or dead.

that's the thing about all this, worry and sadness, happiness to i guess. it comes in layers. first my mom, sister, brother, neice. two days to hear from them. then my dad, he was the worst. essential personnell. that first phone call. i went to bed feeling like i was floating on air. alive. then i could start worrying about him getting out ok. the crime started. i could hear in his voice he wasn't sure he would make it. that first message, because of course our phones didn't work. somehow he could leave messages at night. then i could start worrying about my very best friends. then regular friends. the worry came in layers. it took me a week to worry about pets and apartments and houses. that's the thing about all of this. there really are no regrets because every time you turn on the television or the internet you are forced to remember how lucky you are. how much worse it is for so many people, my own family and friends. i can't complain. everything's relative, isn't that the rule of the world?

tomorrow to houston. another hotel for a week and then who knows what. i'm ready to know. i'm ready to see my family. just to hug them. see my nieice. remind her how much i love her.

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