10 September 2005


tomorrow is one of my best friend's birthday. all i want is for something good to come on tv so that i can forget about all the sadness in the world. pathetic. red-eyed. she took the day off of work for her birthday and watched the news all day. how can you be happy about a day that caused so much pain to so many people, even now, still causing pain. let's roll. that's what the sign we passed on the lawn in said. let's roll. the last thing he said before he hung up the cell phone. funny i never heard that before.

i've been trying not to think. i've been eating donuts and chips and trying not to think, but it's not working. i finished reading the secret life of bees. it didn't help. just made me feel like everyone else is sad too.

everything i own fits into a little duffle bag. i keep thinking will i try to replace my books? cds? movies? whenever i was depressed at home, i watched clueless or amelie. over and over. for some reason it helped. or read the same books, looked at over and over. i keep thinking how much i miss my books. then i get scared i won't even remember which ones i had there on the shelves. and how can you say you miss something when you can't even think of it? can't put your finger on it? i feel like i need to make a list, quickly, before i forget everything. then i feel bad for even thinking something so stupid. i think i am lonely.

1 comment:

theclamwhisperer said...

You write an incredible, insightful and honest post. I can't be so presumptuous to believe I know what you are thinking but I may understand your feelings about the way things are spiraling. It feels like there is very little to grab onto. I did receive some nice words which I thought I'd pass on. A woman named Doreen Virtue said, "We're all very sensitive to the energies of the earth right now. The hurricane has whipped up more than wind and water; it's also brought up the energy of intense anger, suffering, and hurt. We must remember our mission is to bring love and light to this planet, no matter what. You agreed to come here and act as a role model, leader, healer, and teacher. Yet, as a sensitive person, it's easy to get caught up in the drama and energy going on around you. It might be good to step back and imagine yourself in need. What would you want if you survived 9-11 or the hurricane? A person who comes in fear? In anger or blame? No, you'd want a calm and centered person who offers a loving hand and real physical support in the form of shelter, food, transportation, money, or kind words." I think what she is saying is that we are always going to feel lost and abandoned until we kick into help mode...