06 April 2006

life is good

I love my life. Everything is getting so exciting, going so right.

I was so stressed out a few weeks ago over all the unknowns, about not planning enough, not knowing when and where, not being in control of anything. It’s amazing how responsible I am, how much I like working and worrying out all the little details beforehand.

But one day, I just gave it all up. Just like that, and I haven’t really worried since. Today he called and asked what should we do about this or that, like I’d been trying to get him to a few weeks ago and I said, I wouldn’t worry too much it’ll all work out for the best. And I meant it with all of my heart. Let's just go about our life together and it'll all fall into place.

I had told him about my semi-epiphany. He said he loved how I decide to change and actually do. But it’s not that. It just happened. I couldn’t have done it like this. I didn’t decide to change and try to change, I just changed. I realized there was one central reoccuring theme to my worrying, i thought it completely out -- for a whole three days i was completely consumed and could think about nothing else -- and i figured out what i needed. Suddenly, my outlook just shifted so suddenly and I could just see everything differently. I just changed.

you know i really love that man. I love him. Ok, it sounds so lame, but I love… it’s hard to put into words. Even just looking at him brings me so much joy. Like real joy. That’s got to be special.

I realized that even though I am so happy with my life, where it is and where it’s going and where it’s been lately, I’d mostly been complaining, to people and in my blog.

I don’t know if maybe everything’s so crappy in this city right now I was trying to fit in, god, especially to my family when they’re still living in the middle of such seemingly never-ending heartbreak, how can I just be happy around them? I would try to appear as if as much was wrong as could possibly be, and there’s always something you can complain about. It was exhausting.

I’ve even been telling my mom good things this week. Raving almost. I called today and told her the farmhouse we wanted might be up for sale again. And you know what, instead of making her feel worse, she seemed genuinely happy that I was happy and ok. Happy that she didn’t have to worry about me.

Yeah, even when it’s bad, life is good.

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