bell

i feel really really really down. i got in last night from new orleans and tomorrow i am flying to houston. i wish i could just curl up for a week in my bed and eat pumpkin ice cream. (i went to the store looking for pumpkin ice cream this morning, but i guess they don't make it. here at least, maybe nowhere.) i'm tired of magazines and packing and taking off my shoes to go through security. and of waiting.

maybe this will sound stupid, but i go to new orleans mainly to visit my 4-year-old niece. she stayed home from school this week and we just did whatever around the house. played and cleaned and went outside and cooked breakfast and matched socks. it was so great. and now i miss her so much i feel and actual ache in my throat/chest area. i feel tears coming whenever i think about it and i see her little pink room when i close my eyes. i feel for her so much.

she still can't sleep alone in her room. whenever i am there she wants me to sleep with her. we brush teeth and put on pajamas and pick out books and read then turn off the light. she sleeps holding your arm so you can't leave. it's heartbreaking. she couldn't fall asleep on night she said because she couldn't stop thinking about dying and she doesn't want to die. fucking heartbreaking. the light night we switched places and i slept by the wall. i woke up a little before two a.m. and just stared into the dark for a while. i saw her grab for me in her sleep but she was looking on the wrong side so she didn't find me. she cried a little but didn't wake up.