06 November 2006

life, i was wrong.

we are going somewhere new, where we will beach-bum it, where we will drive an old convertible, wear cowboy hats, kiss and bike ride and kayak and twirl in marilyn dresses and be new.

boston is not what i thought it would be. or more accurately, i am not what i thought i would be in boston. i feel like all i do everyday is drink coffee, write out some bills, put on a load of laundry, and wait for my boyfriend to come home. i don't know why i feel like this, maybe because that is all i do all day?

i couldn't sleep last night. i kept thinking of all that i would/could do today. i would pack up my bag, take some books and walk to the harbor. i would sit there and study. i would look into school. i would take my notebook and figure out what to do with my life. like that time in the airport, my diagram: my life's pie chart. figure out what i need to do to be happy.

i like myself, but i am starting not to. i am starting to feel useless. i've tried to justify all that i do for my boyfriend, around the house, taking care of things and being supportive, but that is just crap. i've never put stock into that. it's an excuse not to have to focus on myself. so much easier to focus on someone else: solving his problems, making them my own. fuck that. i can do that and i still have time to get myself straight. because, yeah, i will start resenting this.

the custody battle is starting. and here i go with his problems again... but my point is that if the kids come, that will be a major life-changing event for me. i will have to make sacrifices and take care of them, just like if i chose to have a baby myself. the same thing. i'm prepared for that (as much as i can be). but i also need to be prepared for the alternative: them not coming. what will i do then?

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