ambition in the making

so, so, so, i have been feeling ambition-less for quite a while yet, and i have also not fully dealt with the career and job scene, which terrifies me. getting a job - the interviews, the starting something new, the not knowing anyone, the selling yourself part, specifically, i find terrifying.

i'm shy by nature, and although i know i am a hard worker, learn quickly, and am generally a pleasing kind of person, i also don't think there's anything special about what i can or can't do. i feel pretty much like everyone else knows something more and better than i do. i felt this way all through college and for the entire 10 years i worked for my old company, despite praise, promotions etc.

my excuse for not pursuing a fulfulling career for 10 years was that my day job allowed me to pay for night college. i saw no point in trying to advance in that field when my heart wasn't in it and i didn't care about making more money. but i've had the degree for two years now and still haven't even tried to get a job that i might love.

oh, this last year flew by, true, and add to the first paragraph a new city to get used to, and excuses such as having no car, kids to take care of for the summer, traveling for weeks at a time, and my boyfriend - husband - needing someone to help with his start-up company, and i have pretended to feel completely justified in not doing anything career-wise.

but in the back of my head, i know it, it's there and needs to be dealt with. so, this will be the year it gets done. soul-searching done. time to network, pursue opportunities, learn more and work hard towards getting what i want.