20 August 2004


Recently, I gave a piece of advice to a friend. All you need to be happy is to decide what you want and go after it. I’ve been wondering a lot whether I would listen to the same advice. And, I know I wouldn’t. But I believe it one hundred percent. I’ve just been too stupid, too scared, too whatever, to listen. But I’m going to start living this. Baby steps at first and hope that it grows.

I’ve done a few little things to get closer to where I want to be. Secretly, I’ve always wanted to be a writer, an artist. To do something creative, fun, original. But I’ve always thought that I couldn’t, that I hadn’t learned enough, wasn’t outgoing enough, or good enough. And I’ve been so sure that I couldn’t that I haven’t tried. But I’m tired of quietly wishing what if.

A wonderful, inspiring lady told me once, think big, and then you can decide if you want to stay small. And I thought then it was funny, she said it like I had a choice. But I realize now that it is a choice. And I’ll never do anything if I don’t start doing something. So, my first baby step: getting this website. And not worrying who sees what I’m thinking, because so what? People might like it, might not, probably won’t even see it, but it doesn’t matter because I need it. Another one: sending a letter in for a side job that I’d really love to do, and not caring whether I’ll get it. Usually I’d worry over it until the deadline was past, and at least choose the rejection that way. Not anymore.

It’s not that I’m doing bad, because the truth is, I’ve had a lot of accomplishments. Things people would look at and think that I have it together. But there’s a song that it reminds me of, I’m feeling miles away, you think I’ve got it made, I don’t belong here. Ând that’s sort of how I feel. Exactly, actually. Because most of it doesn’t mean much to me.

I read a while back about a lawyer who moved permanently from New York City to a primitive African villiage where she had to haul her water like 50 miles everyday. And I seriously envied her. So, I know I need to make a change before I end up unhappy. Life’s very short. And I’d be the only one to blame for it.

No comments: