13 May 2005

just everything

we picked up indian food last night and some beer and we rented superman. i'd never seen it. after two beers i felt drunk. that slurry feeling. two beers? i already felt out of control. we were tangled up on the sofa. i talked way too much, questions, comments, is he in love with lonna or lois lane? speculation, rationalization, i am the worse person to watch movies with.

i went to drink my beer and missed my mouth. he gasped as cold beer spilled all over his head. at that moment i felt something shift. i felt embarrassed, uncomfortable. i never feel like that with him. so self-aware. so ugly. he said don't worry about it, but i just felt that tangible shift in the air around me. that change in the relationship. and it hasn't gone away yet.

i hate no longer being ok, not having the upper hand. i'd been so secure lately, i knew it wasn't really me. and then in bed the in a rut comment. i really couldn't let that go. maybe normally i'd have heard his insecurity, but mine was screaming louder at the moment.

it still is: why do i have to keep reminding myself not to be mad over things that i'm not mad about? why is my first reflex to be mean? it's so hard just to be normal and not crazy, why is it so hard? like him telling someone we're not getting married anytime soon. it would be insanity to say anything else. why did i get so furious? so disappointed? i'm not even legally divorced...

just everything. nothing is wrong, just everything. just like it's so much worse to feel lonely with someone there, it's so much worse to feel like something's wrong when nothing is. it's perfect in the sense that i think i'm really happy if i can only stop fucking myself up. and i'm supposed to go to the lake like this?

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