day 26

things i want to remember:

:: my two-fold strategy in life is to strive to do things that 1) make me happy and 2) keep my conscience clean (and i have usually have a powerful conscience). i never want to 1) have regrets or 2) be ashamed.

:: money is not a motivator for me. i realized that a long time ago. it doesn't affect my decisions, except as it can limit the available options.

:: as long as i know+believe in my heart something is right, it doesn't matter if anyone else agrees. of course i am not objective, but i am pretty smart, unselfish, and responsible. i am logical. and i trust myself.

:: not to judge. there is always lots that you just don't know unless you are the one involved in a situation. things can definitely appear differently than they are. what a convaluted sentence, but really. even when something is usually a certain way, it isn't always.


what a difficult, disappointing week. i am exhausted. it must be so hard to share your child with someone you don't like or trust. i can't even begin to imagine. it is lonely here without the boys. i love+care for them so much and would do anything for them, but still i don't think it is at all the same. they are not my heart. his must be breaking.

day 3

i let them use my camera for staged lego photo shoots. they were impressed with the added gun blasts - i didn't know you could do that!

of me and the boys alone. (jack is in new jersey.) it's been thankfully uneventful, even though we've been stuck inside because of the storm. (i am so glad i do not have to drive on days like these...) they haven't asked for their dad (or mom) at all, which makes me proud. mostly they just play and eat. our apartment is all open which is nice because at all times we can see and hear each other.

it's weird to be a caretaker. i don't know what i'm doing at all, but it seems to be working. i think it works because i'm pretty fair and they know it. i make them pick up after themselves, and flush the toilet and wash their hands, sit at the table to eat, and not eat too many snacks, but that's about it.

i also think i'm less emotional with them than if i were not just the step-mom, and it helps. jack does his parenting from an emotional level, but i do it almost completely on a logical level. i don't get mad or take it personally when they do things like throw tantrums. i just go about my business. i also don't give in like he does, which i think is good for them.

i've always thought the most important is consistency (learned that from my parents, who weren't at all consistent), and i'm pretty good at that. i think kids like/need to know what to expect. and these kids are headstrong, so i make sure i don't ask for anything unreasonable (like giving them chores!), or too far out of line with what they get from mom and dad, it would just be asking for trouble. they call me on everything, and sometimes it feels ridiculous to be in a battle of wills with an 8 year old, but i guess that's parenting...

i do like showing them things, and teaching them things, and playing with them. i don't even mind cooking for them* and cleaning up after them. i really like when they ask for help, or will you play with me, especially when there dad is here and they ask me. it's touching. i like when they say my name. i like the thought that they are being exposed to things and learning things that they wouldn't without me - like taking them on "photo shoots" or watching my favorite movies from childhood.

i am pretty silly and can totally be myself with them. i've always liked kids because they give you a break to get on the floor and play and build and watch cartoons. plus they don't turn the radio up when i start singing. don't tell, but sometimes i pretend we're in a musical and sing everything i say to them. and they like it (as long as we're not in public - then it's apparently embarrassing).


*cooking is buying things like a fully cooked roast that you nuke for 9 minutes - since i do not touch raw meat (uck!). incidentally, i made the roast last night for dinner. they loved it, had seconds. and after i put them to bed last night and turned out the lights, the last thing i heard was a little voice ask can we have more of that roast beef tomorrow?

normal?

i cried during transformers. because a character almost dies. a transformer. yeah.

city park in blue

did i mention i also bought this gorgeous stuff that i don't know what i'm going to do with? purse maybe? i'm really into the brights on aqua right now i guess...

signed up for two photography classes today, darkroom included... now i have to buy a camera. i'm a little intimidated because i've never ever used a manual camera before. it feels extravagant to pay for tuition and a camera, but i'm proud of myself for doing it. the boys had to come with me to register today, they were confused and asked lots of questions... is somebody making you go to school? do we have to go with you to class? do you want to be a photographer when you grow up - wait you already are a grown up!

sometimes i wonder what the boys think of our life... they seem almost too happy almost all of the time, but still it's so different from my own traditional childhood that i think it must be weird for them. they are so obsessed with typical boy things: pirates, mummies, and above all star wars+legos. i wanted to get them star wars bedding for our new apartment, but couldn't find it big enough so i settled for just pillowcases made from this:



(no, i didn't make it... the fabric alone to make them cost more than the finished ones.)

i'm trying not to think too much about the classes so that i don't get nervous/feel like an idiot. basically, if i do not do something i will sink into a great depression so this is just depression avoidance 101...

las calaveras

i learned something a while ago that revolutionized the way i deal with life: there's usually not a right or wrong, just pick something that works. made decision making while shopping much easier for one thing, and helped me feel satisfied with all of the choices i make.

for some reason i have yet to apply it to sewing. i bought a machine a long time ago and haven't really started using it at all. i bought an adorable apron pattern and just can't decide which fabric to buy make it out of. (i think my poor apron will have to live up in my mind to this...)

meanwhile, my little sister has been whipping things up not even knowing how to sew. get this, she invented her own way to pattern and cut and hand sew, which actually is quite brilliant.

so, inspired, i just picked the above fabric from reprodepot.com and i think i'll trim it in red...

barn weddings

what is it about weddings? my first one took years to plan and was absolutely perfect except for the groom, my second one took 10 minutes to plan and was absolutely perfect including the groom, and even so i'm still obsessed with them... and all the gorgeous wedding photos available on the internet are making it worse - i could spend all day following links and looking.

the barn board on this post (found through this post) reminded me of an old friend's wedding. i've always loved this wedding so much, the simplicity and fun and spirit of it... and if i remember correctly the whole deal cost her less than $1000 bucks.

love invents us...

great book by amy bloom, somewhere on the lines of if nobody speaks of remarkable things or pretty little dirty. (great surprises like this for $.39 remind me why i love thrift stores.)

speaking of books, i finally saw broken vessel in person and it is phenominal. a few tweaks to do and then i can buy my copy!

san antonio looks so pretty from the sky last night: christmas lights spread out like a tangled net or the tinsley blue black fabric of my sister's 8th grade dress.