this is how i know:
- my 10 year high school reunion is in june
- my baby brother has a kid
- i sometimes go days without putting on makeup, and don't feel bad
- i'm dating an almost 40 year old man
- i never know who it is on the radio anymore
- my parents don't ask me to call and let them know i got home safely
getting old is weird. my boyfriend is the same age as my brother's girlfriend's dad. she says, but you still look young. but maybe she's just being nice.
so it looks like to get the farm/barn we would needs gobs of money in escrow in the bank for the repairs to the house alone (apparently everyone has different definitions of the word livable) and seeing as how we have exactly none, i guess we will not get it. we'll see. but, do you see what i meant about the uselessness of making plans and decisions? i'm glad i held the negative comments to a minimun since it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
tonight is such a girl time, since dg is away again. i rented a movie that i could never in good conscience have made him sit through with me, music and subtitles? that would have been so cruel... but i love, love, love audrey tatou. i really adore her.
i want to be 16 again and adopted by rich folks so that i can be on super sweet on mtv.
i'm drunk. i smoked so quickly, my lips taste like salt and nicotine. i miss my boyfriend. can i just say that he is a rock star. no one was downstairs, and then, poof, they appeared waiting for elevators and unloading cars.
one more beer. and tiara girls and top chef and tv really sucks. i remember why i never turn it on. but, the movie was adorable. subtitled musicals, what could be better really?
we're moving, really moving, at the end of may. dg and i have different ways of looking at things, and his way rocks. i thought there was no way possible to move without tons of planning, research, discecting, but turns out you just move. can't believe i was getting frustrated, a month or two ago, over his lack of planning. isn't it just fine? why not just do what your doing when it needs to be done? will i ever learn to be like that on my own? i worry, then debate over and over whether i should be worrying in my mind, then finally stop worrying, and things just happen. will he rub off on me? i hope so.
anyway, we had decided to just rent a teeny little apartment on the beach, save some money, scout for exactly where we want to be, take time, see whether the ex and kids really do move, then we got a listing via email update from the real estator and my precious boyfriend fell in love. 100%. with a precious little farmhouse circa 1730 and not even slightly updated since 1950. never updated. i mean the thing barely has electricity and it doesn't have legal septice system even.
complete antique. and still costing more money than i probably will ever make in my life, and certainly i could buy a mansion in new orleans for the same price. the best part is that he is in love with the barn and wanting to convert it into a new york style warehousy loft sort of thing. we bought some design books, i tell you, he really has a vision, he's got me excited and so again, i'm trying not to be the negative voice here. like, he called yesterday with an idea for the bedroom, ready?, a thick frosted glass wall connected to the stereo system with pulsing laser lights inside moving in time to the music. isn't he adorable? i bit back the first thing i thought, which was: have you seen how filthy our bathroom mirror is? and you want a glass wall? cause hey, why not, maybe we'll have a maid by then [a fat ugly old one].
but like i said the thing already costs so much money and will need so much more and i have reservations about sinking so much into a 4,000 sq. ft. 1-bedroom barn - who's gonna buy that from us when we get old? or will we be 60 and climbing a three story spiral staircase to the disco bedroom? i'm going to make a new blog to chronicle the farmhouse, our modern country living.
the city is dark and wet. i can't remember the last time it rained like this. all night, lightning flashed through the closed blinds, pounded the windows. it's coming from each way. even with my big wooden hook handled grandfather's umbrella, it got at me easily. i, in my hundred year old concrete block of a building, pulled the covers up and tried to sleep, never easy in the rain. i wonder how the trailer people did on the roof of the building next store? three stories up and so tiny. the rain could wash them away.
i've been so decent with the book picks lately, airplane reading and all, these i couldn't stop...
Not watching tv
Eating lean pockets
Drinking at least two beers per day
Making websites
Not shopping
Cursing my internet connection
Paying bills on time
Laughing a lot
When I got home last night, to an empty house (absolutely trashed, with the human skull decidedly out of his box), took a long hot bath and read a little before falling asleep. jack was coming home, but not till 1 or 2 am. He came in, and got into bed, I must have been dead asleep, I woke up terrified. I think I was half dreaming still, but I couldn't figure out who he was. I started crying. I actually had to figure out who he was (we've lived together for a year). Then he was hugging me and I kept looking at him and saying how he looks so different. And he did. Like everything was just changed, but I think it was inside of me.
I had the saddest week. Not anything really, just life is so sad, isn't it? Being around family, holding new babies, everything, it's just breaking my heart and I don't know why. I feel like staying in my bed for a week with the covers over my head and saying just hold me, I want to cry. But I don't even want to say it, I want him to know.
Now that I’m sort of not broke again (until the end of April when I quit my job!), I thought I might treat myself to something.
I tried to think of what I want. I can’t really think of anything I want. I guess I have some things on my amazon wishlist, and for some reason I really like this, and I’ve been wanting a teacup with the kettle thing built into it –
know what I’m talking about? I saw it once and can’t find it – but I really don’t want anything, not that i can buy anyway. I felt the same way last Christmas. I actually told my boyfriend not to get me anything, there was nothing I wanted (I forgot how they take everything literally, I mean a card would’ve been nice!).
I’ll tell you what I do want:
Bell to have a normal, happy life. My poor baby. I wish she was mine for real.
My parents to one day be able to put the money back into their IRA that they took out to survive Katrina. before it's time for them to retire.
My mom to find a job. Not for the job as much as for her self-worth. I know she is scared.
To stay in love. And to get married again, one day. And maybe have a baby.
To figure out what I want to do and feel confident in doing it.
For my boyfriend to be close to his kids, and his ex not to use them as pawns.
For my brother and his girlfriend, teenagers with a baby to be ok. Just ok, is all i ask. They are such good, sweet people. Especially for teenagers.
There are so many important things to want in this world, to wish for. I feel like I just don’t have the time and energy left to be excited about ordering a ceramic egg with petunia seeds in it. I wish I did.
I love my life. Everything is getting so exciting, going so right.
I was so stressed out a few weeks ago over all the unknowns, about not planning enough, not knowing when and where, not being in control of anything. It’s amazing how responsible I am, how much I like working and worrying out all the little details beforehand.
But one day, I just gave it all up. Just like that, and I haven’t really worried since. Today he called and asked what should we do about this or that, like I’d been trying to get him to a few weeks ago and I said, I wouldn’t worry too much it’ll all work out for the best. And I meant it with all of my heart. Let's just go about our life together and it'll all fall into place.
I had told him about my semi-epiphany. He said he loved how I decide to change and actually do. But it’s not that. It just happened. I couldn’t have done it like this. I didn’t decide to change and try to change, I just changed. I realized there was one central reoccuring theme to my worrying, i thought it completely out -- for a whole three days i was completely consumed and could think about nothing else -- and i figured out what i needed. Suddenly, my outlook just shifted so suddenly and I could just see everything differently. I just changed.
you know i really love that man. I love him. Ok, it sounds so lame, but I love… it’s hard to put into words. Even just looking at him brings me so much joy. Like real joy. That’s got to be special.
I realized that even though I am so happy with my life, where it is and where it’s going and where it’s been lately, I’d mostly been complaining, to people and in my blog.
I don’t know if maybe everything’s so crappy in this city right now I was trying to fit in, god, especially to my family when they’re still living in the middle of such seemingly never-ending heartbreak, how can I just be happy around them? I would try to appear as if as much was wrong as could possibly be, and there’s always something you can complain about. It was exhausting.
I’ve even been telling my mom good things this week. Raving almost. I called today and told her the farmhouse we wanted might be up for sale again. And you know what, instead of making her feel worse, she seemed genuinely happy that I was happy and ok. Happy that she didn’t have to worry about me.
Yeah, even when it’s bad, life is good.
