i'm too little

I was reading a counting book to my two-year-old niece. She can easily count to ten, but this time she stopped at one and said I can't, I'm too little. It broke my heart to hear her say that, especially since she has been fiercely independent and confident since birth. She said it again when time came to clean up her toys and I realized that she had learned that excuse for not doing the things that for whatever reason she didn't feel like doing. And I kept thinking about those three words. I'm too little. And I realized that I've been saying almost the same thing to myself. And on me, the excuse is much more pathetic and ridiculous than on a two-year-old.

moving

I've been thinking a lot about moving. Because I've only lived in barely two places my whole life (two houses in one block and a dorm room to be exact). Although I absolutely adore my little house. It's my favorite and I'd like to move it with me although I know that's not possible. Because I'd like to see something beautiful out of the window everyday. Or at least on the drive. You already know how I feel about New Orleans. Yes, it is fun, exciting, special, unique, beautiful, but only occasionally. Not when you live and work here everyday.

Or maybe I just see more of the wrong parts. I see ugly trash-lined streets. Decaying corpses of once-lovely architecture. Everyday I see trashy people who are unashamed. Yesterday, I watched a teenage girl walking down the street. She finished her bag of chips and in a flash of silver the wrapper was lying on the concrete. There was a trash can on the corner. And I'll never forget being stuck on the bridge behind a car and the couple proceeded to clean out their car by tossing all the trash and unwanteds out the window. In broad daylight.

Last night just sealed it. We were watching the lunar eclipse. Through telephone cable lines and air pollution and street lamps and around houses and metal towers. We could make out stars only when the motion-activated lights turned off in unison. It just felt awful and not natural.

So, I've been thinking about places. Mississippi is my true love, but I think it reminds me too much of someone for me to live there. I want somewhere pretty. Not too cold, but I want it to be winter by November instead of wearing a tank top and shorts to Thanksgiving like we sometimes can here. Somewhere I could watch the trees changing and not be distracted by crumbling buildings and dumpsters. Somewhere you drive past the best parts as you turn down your street, instead of having to drive to the city park to see them. I'd like people to be nice and know everyone (good old southern hospitality is priceless) and they have to hold the door for you behind them.

I've been dreaming of Los Angeles, but my sister says I would hate it if I went because everyone is perfect and rich and fake. A friend recently went to New York and said everyone slams the door in your face and they thought she was crazy for holding it open and saying good morning to strangers.

blue fairy

My present from yesterday. Isn't she the best?

peta

Well, I guess I'm now officially vegetarian. The whole thing started a few months ago, quite accidentally. I was relaxing with my latest Cosmo, or Glamour, or whichever one of those trash magazines it happened to be (I am a junkie) when a full-page PETA ad hit me. And convinced me to stop eating chickens and cows and pigs. It was more instinctual than intentional, just every time after that when I started to eat a hamburger I felt like throwing up. I'm very visual, which is why I can't watch scary movies (or even commercials for scary movies. I accidentally saw part of a commercial for The Grudge, and the little blue meowing boy is keeping me up at night. Literally.). Anyway, I couldn't eat meat without a mental picture of that ad, and so, I couldn't eat meat.

I was not going to stop drinking milk, eating eggs and cheese or seafood, or anything like that. Not make any sort of dramatic lifestyle change, just order the shrimp instead of the chicken. I didn't claim or want to be a vegetarian. But I sent off for PETA's Vegetarian Starter Kit, because it was supposed to have tips and recipes and stuff like that. Well, it also came with a DVD of some pretty horrific scenes from slaughter houses, and some pretty horrific articles about what happens to the cows, chicken, pigs, and sea "animals" raised for food. And so, I'm became officially vegetarian. Very vegetarian.

I showed the DVD to a fishing-crazy boy. He made a funny statement about PETA: It's not fair for them to show scenes like that. Well, it's not fair for animals to be treated like that. His other comment: I've been eating them my whole life. But if you were dating someone and found out they were a criminal (murderer, rapist, something horrible--use your imagination), you wouldn't say, I've been dating them for five years. I think you would break up with them instead.

the week

This week has been crappy. The only solace is that it's not just me. The negativity is in the air. Random people all week have been telling me how "it's just been that kind of a day" or bitching about work schedules, horrible co-workers, etc. to me. It's like I've been wearing a bitch to me sign, as if my week hasn't been crappy enough on its own. I think it has something to do with the upcoming holidays, or more likely the horribly hot and sticky weather we have right now even though its late October. I'm ready for the phenomenon to end. I've had as much as I can take of walking around pissed off, cranky, and miserable.

And now I'm feeling hopeful again. Because I always say when it's bad, it has to get better soon (try to ignore the fact that we know this is not always true, it can always get worse). And today I've been making plans and dreaming. I'm working on internship applications. I'm once again excited about the business I've been thinking about for years. I'm going out for shopping (outlet shopping, no less) and dinner with one of my best friends who I never see anymore. I'm baby-sitting my angel (and constant source of inspiration). And I am redoing a birthday that happened earlier in the week (because everyone deserves a non-crappy birthday).

lately

I don't know why, but I'm feeling so out of sorts lately. The weather is so gorgeous and it's such a favorite time of the year. Dressing up, and picking the perfect gifts, festivals and fairs, and leaves falling, everything changing, changing, being reborn, becoming new. Everything building up to the new year, new hopes and dreams and goals taking shape, but I don't feel new. I feel older and just like staying in bed all day and night and pouting and not even trying to think about how to enjoy the gorgeous weather.

voting

It's time to vote again and I'm still feeling uninformed. I will vote, because not to is just stupid. But I just think there should be more than two choices for something so important as who will run out country. And I think about things I've had to read like Media Control and at times like these I feel like the bewildered herd is real. And then I have flashbacks from my childhood and I worry about accidentally putting the antichrist in power and what if we really are counting down to the end of the world.

And there is just too much more to think about than just whether to vote for Bush or Kerry, or just deciding if you are Republican or Democrat. And I'm so tired of seeing things that just make fun or the two candidates, or hearing rock stars telling me who to vote for or candidates tusing comparisons to tv shows to put each other down, trying to reach the undecided voter through popular culture. It makes me sick to think that things such as a reference to the Sopranos or an endorsement from a musician deciding the fate of out country.

I've been wishing for a simple list of the issues and how the candidates feel about them. I don't want to watch debates and sift through bull and mudslinging. And I found even better. A simple quiz that asks your opinion on all of the issues and matches them to the candidates. You can click for more info if you don't even know what the issue means and it gives a very good explanation. A link at the end shows bios on each candidate and their answers to the same quiz. Unfortunately there is no candidate that has exactly the same answers as me, so I still have to decide what is most important and what I can give a little on. Unfortunately again, it is all important.

alice in wonderland

My second favorite* holiday is around the corner and I haven't even begun costume shopping. This is a fun, fun, fun, city to be in for Halloween partying. Usually I dress up at the last minute as a cat or vampire or something, but this year I have my heart set on a real live costume. This weekend I will be hitting garage sales, thrift stores, and costume shops for the perfect blonde wig, blue dress, and white apron. I had thought I would attempt to make the dress, but being the procrastinator that I am it is a little late for that. Luckily, I already have fab-u-lous shoes, which we all know is the most important part.

*First favorite is St. Patrick's Day, which is also a fun, fun, fun time around here. St. Patrick's day is like Mardi Gras, but less crowded and with locals instead of tourists. My friend and I have a tradition of dressing up and going down to the parade. We get trashed, get painted and have a blast. We are becoming known as the St. Patrick's Day princesses, thanks to some wonderful green light up heart shaped tiaras. Last year we were even on the news! This year I'm planning on a red wig, green sequined dress and green knee-high boots.

today

I need a release before I burst. Maybe this isn't it. Maybe this is.

The hardest thing for me is letting go. In art and photography, but also in life. Not lining everything up, not trying to be perfect. Being okay as is. Because really, perfect is boring. Perfect is fake. Perfect is unachievable. And the people, artists, writing, photography that I admire most are the most imperfect and the most real.

Last night, I made my first piece of art in, oh, twelve years or so. My first painting since watercolors in coloring books and paint-by-number sets. A collage of the day. It might not be perfect, but I love it.

Word of the day: wistful \WIST-ful\ adjective

1 : full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy; also : inspiring such yearning
2 : musingly sad : pensive