trauma

went to the doctor for a diagnosis today of the ongoing lower pelvic pain issue: too much sex. or, as he put it, trauma to the cervix. should i feel slightly proud of myself? cause, strangely, i do...

my blog is about to be rated r

i emailed an ex-boyfriend of mine, who i dated in high school. i've been friendly with him off and on since then, we talk about every two years. i found about 20 baby pictures of him when i started going through everything to move, so i emailed and simply asked for his mom's address to send them.

now i know we are all stressed living in new orleans post-katrina as they call it. i know everyone feels like their life has just ended. in a way it did. i get it. but this is what he sent back to me: Kiss my ass find it yourself, I've tried mailingg you for 2 months now you want to use me. Fuck off. then he sent another one about me cheating on him in high school. now, i'm not going to tell you how old i am, let's just say it's been over 5 years since high school. ok, double 5 years. is this crazy or what?

people suck

you know, i'll admit, i look for things to go wrong, i expect to be disappointed. i almost demand it. and i jump to conclusions and obsess over little things. but the more i get to know him, actually know and understand him, the more lucky i feel. who he is never disappoints me.

i need my uterus... i want to keep it

something is so wrong with me. i tried to self-diagnose on webmd.com but, no help. let me know if you know:

1) gutt-wrenching lower stomach pain, (or pelvis pain, i couldn't tell exactly from the diagram on webmd what it would fall under), for like 3o minutes (like the worst pain i've ever felt in my life) and since then, it hurts a little and is tender to the touch. and sex has hurt since, actually i feel like my uterus is falling out, is that possible?

2) hiccups intermittently throughout the day, as well as a carsick feeling even though i'm not in a car.

3) crying, off and on for no apparent reason for two, almost three days.

4) mild fever, 99.5. my face has felt hot for two, almost three days.

i left work sick today. i've been in bed pouting for two days and i don't see it going away. i can't tell if something is really wrong, if i'm sick or if i just feel sick. maybe it's in my head. he said, wellness is a feeling so if you feel sick then you are. he's good, huh?

so how am i gaining weight?

i have literally one thing in my refridgerator right now: an unopened jar of cheese dip someone brought over for a christmas party. oh, and two beers. nothing in the freezer. the state of affairs is bad right now. the cabinets aren't great either, i just checked. one box of cereal, tea bags, chicken noodle soup, and a can of smoked oysters (yuk!). last time i grocery shopped it was at walgreens. i spent 40 dollars on a few warm up meals and celebrity gossip magazines. i'm not doing it again, i'd rather starve.

i'm watching girls next door instead of the oscars. for some reason i actually like it, even though watching makes me want to 1) wear more pink, 2) get a cat, and 3) call my grandparents.

and i am a liar

not true exactly, i did graduate that saturday. and i did go to mexico. i just didn't do anything career-wise.

it's really not hard at all to be a loser

shit. it's been almost a year and i have done actually nothing.

5.18.2005
ok here's my plan
graduate saturday. get a freelance/volunteer part-time job after work and between class asap, preferably doing something fun/cool either writing or doing editorial assistant type stuff. take photography class during the summer. take pictures of the animals at the spca. make some websites for people. take mla classes during the fall, spring, summer, fall and spring. visit california, mexico and london. find a job writing/editing something. graduate again. move, maybe. have a baby or two.
posted by ecstasia at 23:21 0 comments

At least i am the only one watching.

fatal attraction

i have never really watched saturday night live. i mean never sat down and watched most of even one episode. it comes up so much, people are constantly compared to -you know that skit with so-and-so on snl? (i don't even know there names) and i have to say no. but, i kind of like that about me.

i'm amazed also at the amount of movies i've never seen. it's enormous, much more than most people my age. one i'm dying to see --and can you believe it's not at the video store (the two blockbusters left in the city after katrina) or at target-- is fatal attraction. i started it in a hotel room about a year ago and fell asleep.

she is cute... but a little desperate

am i going to be lisa loeb in a few years? ruling out potential dates because he don't want kids right now? the scenes from the next show her at a fertility center. i'm scared it will come to that.

i had a dream the other day that i was in labor, my water even broke. i have babies on the brain. what is happening to me. the thing is, my whole life i've felt like i didn't want things like that-- marriage, kids, a house-- but even while i am logically thinking that there is this side of me practically longing for it. it sucks being a woman, although i have a suspicion it has less to do with hormones and more to do with the horrible town i was raised in. small without the charms that usually accompany small. corrupt, poor, racist, and booze/drugs-laden. i really hate that city. (but i'm still sorry katrina wiped it off the map... a lot of people loved it) but there, that's the only thing girls were good for. and to get anywhere, even to drive at night, (i swear i grew up seriously living this), you needed a man to protect you. when i moved out of my own, and started living my way, that was one of the most overwhelming and satifying moment of my life.

anyway, i already have the glasses...

moving

I am moving to Boston, if all goes well. and if not, i'm moving somewhere. I have 30 days to move out of my apartment and into his, and in another 60 we'll make the big move...

i've learned some things about stuff since the hurricane, and what I learned is that I don't need it. it does not suit me, the minimalist life does. packing and moving out of my apartment is weird because i haven't actually lived there in five, six?, months. all the stuff that i used to love so much, stuff that survived the last big move and clear out when i made the first big change last year, isn't going to survive this. it's hard to let go of things, and the only way i am getting through it is because i've already let go in my head. i figured everything was lost in the storm and i came to peace with it. i've already taken most of my pictures, and consolidated from about 3000 to about 500. what's left, i can actually enjoy. i've even scanned and cd'd the most precious ones.

I packed up my bedroom last night, it went like this... one big box and one little box that's coming with me, twelve boxes to get rid of. what little furniture i have is getting delivered to my parent's house, since they lost all of their's in the hurricane. you know, life is never what i expect. i hope it stays this way, i'm getting used to happiness.