requiem for a dream

what a mistake, it was the saddest movie i've ever seen in my entire life, ever, by far. heartwrenching.

flying

first day back. i remember so much. i feel so content, peaceful.

remember when i hated flying? when i could count the flights each distinctly?

i love it. i love being surrounded by the clouds. taking off and landing no longer affect me, but i still gasp at the clouds...


we apartment hunted for up to 10 hours a day for a week. it was like a full-time job.

it was unbelievable.

i can't believe i am moving to the cutest, quaintest, coolest, most beautiful town in the entire universe. i mean, we took the camera and these are the pictures we took on our apartment hunt! backyards, can you believe it?



i am going to miss this place, it is true. our old apartment. it is so magical, the memories i have here.

the last year has been a dream, and a nightmare at times, but so overwhelmingly wonderful.

i feel like i've grown up here. like home. last night was the last night ever i will spend her, and it's not believable to me yet. good-bye fema trailors, good-bye new orleans, good-bye home.

we are going somewhere new, where we will beach-bum it, where we will drive an old convertible, wear cowboy hats, kiss and bike ride and kayak and twirl in marilyn dresses and be new.

i love, love technology

when i was thirteen, i’d spend hours, days, listening to songs i had recorded off the radio, replaying them on my tape recorder line by line, listening over and over again, writing down the lyrics.

i did it with my best friend, we would listen together and debate then mutually decide on words we couldn’t quite make out. we wrote the lyrics down and i kept them in my song lyrics binder.

so i can fully appreciate the availability of any song you’ve ever heard before in your life’s lyrics constantly on demand at the click of a button. it’s like the old people who walked miles in the snow to school (barefoot) can appreciate the automobile.

and you know according to my boyfriend’s ipod you can cut and paste lyrics into and then scroll through them as you are listening to the song. i haven’t tried it yet, but that is kick ass ya’ll.

so, what do thirteen year olds do now?

out of the office, permanently

today was, officially, my very last day of work. this is a huge deal for me because, well, i started this job in the summer of 1998. i worked my way through college there! i taught myself how to use a computer there for god’s sake! this is a big deal! and somehow, it just feels like every other day.

what i know now that i wish i knew at 16: when someone's mom asks you to be the part-time receptionist at their office for a few weeks, do not! don't make the same mistake i did. don't stay working in the dead-end job that makes you want to kill yourself for six years in order to pay the mortgage for the stupid house you bought with the guy that you really don't like very much at all, now that you are stuck with him 12 hours a night. don't do it, definitely don't marry him, even if you did have such a beautiful wedding and looked like a princess for one whole night.

if it's an option, do what i wish i could have done, make your filthy rich adopted parents rent you a cinderella coach and buy you a designer ballgown for your sixteenth birthday. then, i wouldn't have needed that magical night with the real photojournalist photographer who followed me around all night taking pictures of my feet and each button on my gown.

nope, not worth it. you'll end up giving all $5,000 worth of wedding album to you mother so that you won't have to keep looking at his ugly-ass face and wondering what in hell you were thinking. (why didn't the hurricane destroy them instead of every one of the millions of pictures of me and my siblings as completely adorable children in my mother's closet?)

anyway, it is also a huge deal because now, officially, i have no earthly idea what i’m going to be doing in a month. none, except that i’ll be in boston and with my adorable boyfriend. that’s all i know. now, i hope i can learn how to drive over there.

before noon. really.

i write in my blog like it’s private. i read blogs that are all do you readers want me to keep writing? cause i can’t feel the love. this is just stupid. nobody--ever--reads my blog but that’s ok. cause i just like to write sometimes. even if it’s nothing but what movie i rented last night.

i would write in my diary, except i’m always scared someone i know will find it and read it and know my secrets. or get mad. equally bad. blogs are way better. somehow i’m not scared of people finding my blog (except sometimes). so when people do occasionally send me comments, it’s always a surprise. because it’s only happened like 4 times in 2 years. maybe less. and when they say about my blog: it is really fun to read... honestly, it’s like huh? it confuses me.

i think about the blogs i read, like, obsessively, and how good they are. i wish i was provocative, or endearing, or made really cool artsy pictures like this one i read even though i can’t even figure out what language it is in. but mine? i have to think it's some kind of spam marketing thing to get you to click on their sites, but if so, wouldn’t i get more than 2 a year? i get like 10,000 emails a day asking me if i want to buy viagra or bootleg microsoft products.

another curious thing: the commenters are always 16 or so. with unusually good taste in music. not that i'm a good judge of music. and not that age matters at all because, hey, i already said my boyfriend is almost 40! sorry, i just still can't believe it. (did i mention he is gone again, visiting his kids six hours away, damn the hurricane that let their mother move out of state, but you want to know the real truth, sometimes (as much as i miss him), i just want to go home and eat 5 packets of easymac, and watch women competing to be the next cyote ugly girl on tv. I just can't do that with someone else around--except for my sister-- no matter who he is. no matter if he wore the same black sabbath tshirt and jeans with no underwear every day, all week last week, and is now up to drinking at least three beers before noon every day. i can't do it even then.)

by the way, good night and good luck was ok, even thought i think it’s unfair when i rent movies for entertainment and they are all about teaching me history. if i wanted history i would turn on the discovery channel! i mean, the history channel! and i really hate that it’s about journalists and they capitalized the a in And good luck, why, why, would they do that?

30 seconds

I was sent this link in an email today, I watched a few and I swear, I feel like all the time I ever spent watching movies was totally wasted. Cause you can watch them distilled down to 30 seconds, and performed by cartoon bunnies, and they are sometimes better than the original. Watch titanic and especially brokeback mountain if you don’t believe me. That movie was totally boring, even with Michele Williams who I totally love (I’m a complete closet dawson’s creek fan even though I was like 10 years too old for it when it came out. I love, love dawson’s creek, still do, and now that joey’s gone and hooked up with wacko, jenn’s taken her place in my heart. Disloyal, I know but like they care.) anyway, brokeback mountain totally sucked and was so boring (except for that scene where heath ledger returns to his bedroom and starts getting it on with michelle and then just flips her over and takes her from the back. For some reason I thought that was totally hot. Am I sick? Wait, I thought we were talking about dawson’s creek…)