i haven't made a collage a day. i haven't even taken a picture a day. i haven't posted in over 10 days. every spare second i have i spend collapsing. into. bed. but there haven't been many.
this has been an eye-opening week for me. kids. are. work. it's been sweet and tiring and getting up early and doing some fun stuff but doing a lot of fussing and constant sword-swinging sofa-jumping wrestling video-game scooby-doo and pirate action. constant. and did i say getting up early? and not seeing my boyfriend and not having any time to myself and my beautiful apartment always covered in filth no matter how much time i spend cleaning and backtalking and don't touch me and being a servant. really.
the oldest kid made that comment a few minutes ago: you're like a servant. and it's so true. i'm just trying to get them to say may i please have a glass of milk instead of screeching in a linda blair voice get me my milk. it's been a long, hard process and for every step forward there's two i said i want my milk's. but what are you going to do, refuse a kid his milk? they are adorable kids though, i have to say. really beautiful kids. i frequently look at them, his youngest especially since he still has that baby look, and have to smile and say you know those kids are really beautiful. i know looks don't matter, but god, those kids are adorable. and it does help when they are screaming didn't you hear me say i'm thirsty! that they look like little angels.
i just keep thinking that if we get married and if he gets custody this will be my life. this. will. be. my. life. hmmm... it's been easier and harder than i expected. easier in the adjustments. i've been alone with the kids for 8 hour days for 2 weeks and nothing is broken and everybody is safe. i'm actually good at this taking care of kids. we've had smiles and fun and christmas songs and baking cookies and the whole nine yards. they don't want to go home. they haven't cried for their dad or their mom. they actually haven't really mentioned their mom at all. they never even want to talk to her when she calls on the phone. it's been way harder in the amount of sheer energy required.
christmas is over and i'm not even going to say anything other than i knew i was expecting way too much out of christmas. and i should have taken pamprin much earlier in the day. and next year i want presents. wrapped under the tree. at least one. and something in my stocking.
so, on to new years resolution list for 2007. but first, today, for the first time in my life, i made a comment that i hadn't done something in 20 years. and it was true. the thing i was referring to was watching the flight of the navigator, but that is neither here nor there. 20 years ago i was old enough to remember doing something. that is scary. so, i've been making contributions afecting the kids childhood, namely watching my old favorite movies from the 80s. i, thank you, introduced them to such greats as legend, labyrinth, willow, teenage mutant ninga turtles (ok, that was 90s, right?) and the neverending story (did you know there's like 10 sequels to that?).
anyway, new years.
- make friends.
- stop being a hermit, aka leave the house once in a while.
- picture a day.
- collage a day.
- higher ed. or a class at the mfa.
my sister says its too late to make friends. that we are too old now, all of the friend-making years are past. i almost believe it, it's been 10 years since i've made any new friends. but, i've always attributed that to not liking people anymore. in any case, i am going to try if i can figure out how. i know step 2 is a starting point, since i can't exactly expect strangers wanting to be my friends to come knocking on the door. i think the other resolutions will help also, since they involve connecting with people with like interests.
not, that's not a metaphor for anything, i am going to pick them up from the airport in a few hours. this means that:
today's collage proved that yesterday was a fluke. yesterday, i picked up the magazine and everything just came together. today, i couldn't find an order to the things i ripped out so i eventually just glued it all down. but wishy-washy, changing as i went. oh well. i'll scan it after it dries. i think using such small (4x6) paper is good, otherwise i'd be ripping things out for hours. art is about editing too, right? knowing what to leave out?
(collage elements from vogue august 2006)
today will be the first day this weekend that i leave the house. what is wrong with me? i have to do all the stuff i wanted to do all weekend into one day - and it's noon already. i have to go the the groceries, not because we have absolutely no food (literally, i ate two cans of tuna, frozen brussel sprouts and ice cream this weekend, the very last edible things in the house) but because we now have absolutely no toilet paper.
in the extreme tree frustration, i almost forgot to upload these pictures of my adorable apartment decorations - all from target. this apartment, along with the one in new orleans that i miss incredibly, mark the first time i care enough about my place to invest time and money making it the way i like. i'm developing a style. it reminds me of my first "date" with jack. he asked what style of home furnishings i like, because he thought that was one of the of the differences that could make living with someone impossible. decorating styles must be compatible. i said that i was pretty easygoing on the subject. truth was i had no idea what i liked. this is it. and thank god our evolving styles are compatible.
life paused.
i want a new camera. a real fancy kind. and then i'm going to sign up for a photography class. i've always wanted to do it. but for now, my goal is to develop new habits. i'm going to try to take one sharing-worthy photo a day. i figure i can wake up in the morning and go out and explore. it'll be a reason to get dressed at least. then photoshop and everything before posting.
she's inspired me. i'm also going to start collaging, at least one a day. i'm going to get some blank cards or paper to do it on.
this will help.
update:
so, i did my collage for today:
(collage elements from domino december/january 2007)
i didn't have gesso or a notebook but i knew if i didn't start at once, i just wouldn't. i gathered what i did have into a shoebox: elmer's glue, some markers, scissors and 4x6 photo paper. and i grabbed the first magazine off of the stack. i had a feeling i wanted to express - something about fighting to remain yourself and be true to your goals and dreams through (even a good) relationship - and the words and images just jumped out at me. i finished in less than 10 minutes. it buckled trememdously, so i just stuck the finished piece in between two big books after it dried. just now, i took it (perfectly flat) and pasted the date and today's journal entry onto the back. it scanned weirdly, but i kind of like the effect, the magazine photos look more like computer art.
this reminded me of my first try two years ago. why is it that i turn to art to make me ok when i am alone or things are bad, and as soon as things are ok i give up on it?
i spent a long time yesterday organizing files on my computer and managing bookmarks. then i ate the rest of the ice cream and watched - listened - to phantom of the opera. right before bed i needed my real paper journal and dug it out of the closet. i wrote some then flipped to the last post. i couldn't believe i last wrote in my journal nine months ago. i was shocked at the passage of time, flying, then more shocked when it sunk in that the post said 3/16/04. 20o4! that was a whole year plus nine months ago! when so much time goes away and can't be accounted for, when minor tasks take up your to-do list and the majority of each day... it's happening again. and i have to stop it by any means necessary.
this is without a doubt the best clothing purchase i have ever made. it's my only long sleeved dress and i've worn it everywear over the last few months with my knee high boots like in the picture and occasionally with high heels. i tie the bow in the back though. it's casual or dressy, sexy (the front is very low cut, the pictures lies) or conservative (with a black camisol underneath). and somehow it's warm and lightweight at the same time. it was $128 which i thought was a lot for another little black dress, but i've worn this thing to new york for business breakfast and lunch, out to dinner at least 5 times, and yesterday to jack's office christmas party. it's my answer for everything.
having never experienced a fake christmas tree before i was under the delusion that it would be easier than a real tree. not the case. i sort of thought it would come out of the box more or less put together (those boxes are big!) and maybe just need some fluffing. i was definitely not expecting color-coding and missing letters and chinese instructions and twisting each last branch backwards to hide the wires. why would these things be so popular? i'm trying to tell myself that i saved a real tree's life, but it's not really helping. i've only done two rows (in two days...) and i'm ready to call it quits. if i ever do get the damn thing finished, there's no way i'm taking it apart to do again next year. either we're putting it in storage assembled, or throwing it out and getting this one next year:
christmas shopping yesterday was so much fun. we did present and decoration shopping in about two hours at target. the apartment is so cool. and my christmas cards (above) rock! still have to get a tree, though. there were only about 5 sad little trees left, so we're just gonna do the fake thing. we did buy the coolest ever art deco christmas tree a few months ago from cool stuff, but we never decided how to ship it here from houston, so i guess that was a little bit of a waste. oh well, it'll look good next year!
i love the way everything is so low stress now. no fighting or debating. just pick some shit up and buy it and be happy. oooh, we also got the coolest ever christmas cd from twisted sister. it's so funny, i've had it on non-stop. i love it.
truth: i suck at muffin making. i bought all the stuff to make my cupcakes, but shit still went wrong. first, i didn't have a bowl, but i do have a small pot so i mixed them in there.
second, i forgot to put the oil in. i bought it, poured it, took a picture of it, then realized when i was cleaning up that i forgot to use the damn oil. i knew the cake batter tasted funny, i thought maybe eggs tasted different here. (first time i bought eggs in six months.) and are you supposed to pour unused oil down the garbage disposal? i seem to remember my mom pouring it into an old milk jug after frying fish... did i f*@# it up?
and third, some of the little f!#kers overflowed. but i threw them all away and ended up with a crop that doesn't look half bad if i do say so myself...
ok, who am i kidding, they look pretty sorry.
i'm learning a few things about snow. #1 - why they put down ice. for the record, converse sneakers don't do so well uphill in wet snow. or downhill for that matter. but i got my eggs, dammit, and i am making cupcakes...
my week of not being able to get out of bed is finally up. jack got up so early this morning (4:30!) to work before work and i got up with him. and it snowed. we went out the back door to watch it in the dark. and it was so effing cold. and i was delirious with cold and snow and early. and happy.
it's finally real winter. and outside my front windows are rooftops covered with snow and christmas lights in the trees and a huge wreath with ribbons waving in the wind. and christmas cds filling all 5 slots of the cd player. and, this weekend we're going shopping for christmas decorations and presents and i want to make such fun things for the holiday.and we'll have all new stockings and wreaths and ornaments and a tree and wrapping paper. and i'm so excited because, although this will be the third christmas holiday we've spent together, it's only the first one we've treated like a real christmas and not just another day. (last christmas day we shopped for a toilet plunger and ate lean cuisines.) although apparently jack is a secret christmas rock star. not only does he know all the words to christmas songs, he also usually knows who it is singing them.
but for right now i just want to go play in the snow.
yesterday was my birthday. i've been in bed for a week pretending i am sick. last night i was sweaty and awake and wanting a glass of water. this morning i'm finally ready to get out of bed, but am out of coffee. i'm debating whether i should go get some or just eat the rest of the Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch Ice Cream for breakfast (or late lunch as the case may be).
so, maybe we'll just get married here in the apartment. it's too cold for the beach. i don't like the thought of city hall. new orleans, nah. mexico, nah. las vegas, nah. maybe we should just walk to city hall.
